Happy New Year Everyone, pardon my lateness.
It’s still the first week of the year and so many people are sharing their New Year resolutions and goals they want to achieve before the year runs out. So, I started thinking and thinking about what my new year resolutions will be but to no avail because my mind kept coming up blank. Eventually I gave up because honestly, I have been here before and my body has wired itself not to repeat the same mistakes.
Don’t get me wrong I am super excited about the new year, why wouldn’t I be; I love harmattan and mostly because 2017 was a very trying year for me and the fact that I am still alive, the fact that I am still here means I am blessed not lucky.
But, like I said earlier I have been here before. In December 2016, I had a lot of New Year resolutions, a lot of goals I wanted to achieve by the end of the December 2017 in my mind, I walked into 2017 feeling new and determined. I am not a fan of the phrase “new year new me” but, I can tell you that in January 2017 that was exactly how I felt.
However, it wasn’t until towards the end of 2017 that I realized how much pressure I had put on myself. I wanted a lot of things to work out which didn’t, I wanted to achieve a lot of things which didn’t, I became moody, depressed, tired, angry, frustrated and some family issues I had didn’t actually help matters. There was hardly any night that I did not cry myself to sleep, I was easily upset by little things, I felt vulnerable and insecure and because I felt this way, I was angry at myself, I hated myself for being weak. There were times that I actually felt like dying but I also knew I wasn’t ready to die or to put it properly, I didn’t want to die.
I felt completely useless, I felt like a failure and to be honest with you social media did not help my situation at all; I could see people making it all around me while I remained stagnant.
Towards the end of 2017, and with the help of God of course, I realized that I was putting too much pressure on myself, I was working against myself, I was stressing myself out a bit too much and I just knew I had to stop.
I started learning how to overlook some things, how to take one day at a time, a minute at a time afterall I am only one woman and I can’t do more than myself.
I am not giving up on dreams, I am only taking it easy because if I die of depression or of any other reason the world will not stop, it would continue and I’ll simply be just another dead girl who left the world without any impact whatsoever. But before I can make an impact on anybody not to mention the world, I have to have made an impact on myself. But, I can’t do that by stressing myself out.
So, I’m not setting new goals or resolutions, I’m just going to take everyday as it comes, do the little I can achieve, celebrate the small successes and victories, live my life the best way I can without any explanations to anyone. And most importantly, I am going to be thankful for the gift of life.
May we all have a prosperous and beautiful New Year.